woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
