Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
