I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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