explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Randomize
