Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
