The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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