My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
