Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
