everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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