so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
