Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
