a queef is a wish your heart makes.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Text me some of your sweat
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