My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
