i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
