dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
I am mentally ready for anal.
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