Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
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