It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
