Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize