woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize