Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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