I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
