He disabled his match.com account in front of me
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Just cropdusted the office
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
My vagina is very pro this idea
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
