I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
