dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
