I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Randomize
