He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
