someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
