did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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