Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
