You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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