if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
