I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
