My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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