i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
