I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
