I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
