There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
