Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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