theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
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