all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
