I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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