tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
