Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
