god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
