Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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