If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
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