you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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