3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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