i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
