I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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