Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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