Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
