I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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