Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
