genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
