The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I want her autograph on my taint
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize