Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
