I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
